strategies for agitated kids, teens and adults
Sara Vatore
Strategies for Agitated Kids, Teens and Adults
One of the themes that has been surfacing in individual sessions with kids, adolescents and parents is that they are feeling edgy, irritated, angry, snappy, moody, etc. I know as a parent I am also navigating as these sensations surface in my body, particularly when I am not filling my own cup first and after spending long days of being “on.”
I wanted to provide a few suggestions, some easy games to play with younger kids for those parents who are ready to pull their hair out, and some things to do for yourself or with your older kids/teenagers to support you during this time.
Being able to integrate these games with my highly active, feisty 6 year old has significantly helped us during this extended time at home and also has been a huge component of working through challenges with him over the last 4 years.
Right now we are all not moving nearly as much as we would traditionally be doing if we were going to school and work, activities, and sports. Many of your children, who tend to be scheduled to the brim with activities and sports, are now finding themselves with much less activity and movement day to day.
We are also finding ourselves all constrained. While we have freedom to be in our houses and yards, we as a culture in the US aren’t used to being stuck at home. This may generate a feeling of being trapped right now for adults and kids alike. As mammals we tend to deal with feeling trapped in a variety of ways. This can manifest in our systems as fight, flight and freeze.
For my son, when he feels trapped (meaning his nervous system is perceiving threat) it shows up in his body as a “fight” response (he gets super angry and loud, and in the past, he used to throw giant tantrums kicking, throwing, and generally raging out).
He is the kind of kid that gets super angry, very quickly, when he perceives his boundaries are being breached. He can tend to go from 0-10 in what feels like a blink of an eye, from his brother taking the bigger piece of cake, to it is time to brush teeth and he doesn’t want to.
That is what I want to talk about here. For any of you out there who have littles who have big feelings, this is for you.
For those of you who are feeling big feelings inside. This is for you.
Feeling angry or being frustrated are natural protective responses in the nervous system. We WANT those feelings to be available and online for us so we can use those responses when we absolutely need them. What we don’t need to happen is a full on rage because someone doesn’t want to brush their teeth or transition to the next activity.
So, what we need to do as parents is help facilitate a time for our kiddos to help them access that sensory experience in their systems, so they can have a healthy fight response. When kids are able to access that kind of expression in their systems, they will not need to look for it in other unproductive ways.
The games/activities below are ones that Allister has loved AND worked great for him! When I see that he might be starting to have a big feeling, I will suggest we play one of the games and it immediately takes him to channel the fight response in a healthy way, where he can get positive reinforcement from me playing with him, instead of him getting in trouble for being out of control, and at the same time he gets to physically dispel the energy out of his system.
Here are some of my favorite games/activities for the younger ones:
Push Game- What kid doesn’t like to push over an adult?! Take a pillow and have one person on either side of the pillow, pushing towards each other. Parent provides enough resistance with their hand push where the child needs to exert energy and force against the pillow, until the child ultimately pushes the adult over. Adult makes dramatic, silly, falling over expressions. Child hysterically laughs and asks to do it again. Repeat. Always let the child push you over.
Sword fight! Take foam swords, paper towel rolls, plastic swords, medium length sticks and battle it out. Set clear boundaries at the beginning about not hitting body parts and face, etc. Let your child express their aggression in a fun way! Again as the adult, your job is to figure out how to safely “lose the battle” and create victory for your child. If you can go down in an epic manner when your kid hits you in a fatal blow, bonus points!
Bubble Troops- Adult is the bubble maker and child works to eliminate the bubbles! Your child can use his hand, a stick, a toy sword, a scarf, or anything else they creatively are drawn to to pop the bubbles. Music and dancing is a great addition for adult enjoyment and also a good way to get in some additional movement for all playing! Option to keep score: Point awarded to the child for each bubble popped. Adult gets a point for the bubble popping on the child!
Teach Me How to Be Angry- One of Allister’s favorite things is to show me how to be mad and for me to try to copy him. I make a big show and pretend that I don’t know how to be mad and I let him demonstrate. He bangs on pillows, I copy. He screams into a pillow, I scream into a pillow. He snarls his face, I snarl my face. This is a great way to get him to express somatically and also for me as the parent to get to let a little bit out as well!
Bear Attack- This can be good for the younger kids. I would play this with Allister when he was ages 2-4 (although he might be game for it now!). First, a “safety” spot/home base needs to be established a distance away from where you are playing. Child lies down and pretends to be a sleeping animal. Adult crawls in as a big bear and lays on top of child with good pressure (gentle enough so they can breathe, but still applying compression/weight to child’s body). Child has to use their hands/arms, exerting significant force, to get adult off of them and then they runs away to the safety spot! Repeat!
Echo Game- Head outside and take turns with your child making very loud and/or funny noises. Allister really likes it when I copy his loud sounds and thinks it is hysterical when I yell or make a funny loud noise.
For older kids, teens and adults:
General space to process an emotion- Setting aside a time when you can be alone and undisturbed to let your body and self be with whatever emotion is surfacing. I have teens who do this instead of flipping out at their parents when a discussion is underway. They will ask for a pause, and retreat to their room. If it is not in the moment and you want to specifically process some anger or frustration that you are experiencing, you can recall an incident/person/situation in your mind's eye for a brief moment that is causing you frustration. Let the thoughts go and bring your awareness into your body. Where are you holding that frustration? Notice your jaw, belly, chest. Where are you clenching? Give yourself some space to allow the sensations to be there. Get curious. What happens next? You may feel other emotions surface and you can let them move through like a wave. Sometimes we might need support from a friend, family member or practitioner to do this if it feels overwhelming and/or too much.
Push game for 1- Using a wall, door, edge of counter, or another person's hands, press against the wall until you are really exerting energy and then release your pressure. Let your body be still for a minute and allow whatever feelings, emotions, sensations want to move through. Give space for it all to move and settle. Repeat this process.
Yelling- into a pillow or in the car. If you live in a spot where you can go outside, that works great too. Really giving yourself permission to just yell it out for a minute. Then bring your awareness into your body and let yourself feel the connection to your feet on the ground. Allow the support to rise. Let the vibration of the yell move through your body. It may bring up emotion. Let yourself be with whatever surfaces. It will move through like a wave.
Banging on pillows- Using your forearms so you don’t hurt your wrists, let yourself bang with intention against a pillow on a couch or bed. Allow your body to pause, in the same way as before, and see what emotions, sensations, or feelings are present.
Intimacy (adults!)-This is something I can elaborate on in another post that is not so PG. Think using resistance (hands, feet, body) in a playful way!
For all of us, it is important to be mindful that our bodies are not getting nearly the type of activation that it is used to. While on some levels it is good that we are slowing down a bit and creating space for ourselves, this can also be very disorienting and upsetting to our nervous systems which are used to the high activity. This is not a one size fits all. We need as many tools and strategies as we can, so that we are able to piece together what works best for each of us and our families.
For other resources for kids and families check out the links below:
-Kate White is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, has an amazing practice and has been a great resource of knowledge for me with Allister for game ideas and helping his system integrate his experiences. Check out her website here: http://www.belvederearts.com/
-Irene Lyon has a plethora of resources and free videos on various nervous system states and working with different emotions https://irenelyon.com/
-MindValley is an organization dedicated to personal growth. They have great parenting resources. https://www.mindvalley.com/
Gabrielli LaChiara is the creatrix of the Infinity Healing School. She is a gifted practitioner and child whisperer. She has provided body work for Allister, parent consultation for my husband and I, and consultation to the schools. https://www.gabrielli.org/
Dr. Brenna Werme of Embodied Chiropractic does amazing work with children and families in the Pioneer Valley. Her methods are gentle and she is amazing with kids of all ages. http://www.embodiedchiropractic.com/
For more embodiment support for mothers, Kimberly Ann Johnson is an amazing resource! I can’t recommend her podcast, content and courses enough! https://www.magamama.com/