I want to talk to those of you who don’t quite know what you want or what you truly desire, and/or those of you who are second guessing where you are heading in your life and business.
There is nothing wrong with you! For many of us, (particularly recovering people-pleasing perfectionists) our impulse/desire psychological function, the ability to desire and to know what we want/need, is shut down. It can be hard to genuinely connect to what you desire in your body. The ability to sense or experience desire might feel frozen, disconnected, and unclear in your system.
If you notice this kind of pattern, this is your permission to allow your system to be in the murky, the foggy, the not knowing. To allow yourself to take the space to begin to learn what genuine desire feels like for you in your body and energy. This takes time, patience and curiosity.
There is so much material and people out there talking about manifestation and designing/creating the life you want to have. What do you do if you don’t know what you want yet? What if you are unsure about what you desire? What if it feels unclear? What do you do then?
I am finding more than ever the need to keep frequently creating intentional spaces for my own KNOWING to emerge, to give room to differentiate out what is my truth. From here I then take the time to DISCERN where to direct my precious energy, especially when there can be many shiny objects and/or pressing issues working to catch my brain and nervous system’s attention. I only have so much capacity and I want to make sure I am following the threads that are mine to follow. This is where I will have the largest impact.
Creating these types of intentional non-judgmental spaces get to be the portals of permission and safety your body needs to drop into your truth and reveal your own knowing.
For so much of my life I struggled with accessing my own knowing or feeling my own DESIRE. I always looked externally to tell me what was important, what to think about and what direction to move in. Knowing what I want, what I need or what is calling to me was not something I could access easily at all.
As a Master Shapeshifter, I was very skilled at knowing what other people needed from me, morphing into that person and moving efficiently from that place. My life was organized around what I thought other people thought was best for me. My internal felt-sense experience of my own impulses and desire was super shut down.
Over the last 6 years, in uncovering how frozen this organic life force energy was in my system, I have been dancing with and playing with DESIRE. Learning about what desire feels like in my body and energy when it is genuinely mine. Creating the space to thaw the shutdown places and expanding my body’s capacity to feel desire in a bigger way.
And, as I really started to pay attention, I realized something. I do actually desire something.
DESIRE.
Desiring desire.
It is super clear. I desire to feel desire, to feel called from within. To be so lit up from an aliveness and knowingness within me that I move into the world and serve from that space. I desire that feeling. There is a genuine longing to feel pulled and called by something so aligned and yet at the same time, so much bigger than yourself.
A while back at the beginning of the year, I wrote about my 8 year old and our process of unschooling, which allows him to tap into his interests and follow the threads of what lights him up, in order to generate organic learning.
This year, I have also made a big commitment to this practice for myself, as a devotional practice to my desire. Listening deep within and allowing my movements and commitments to move from the space calling inside. To access my own sensations of desire and let that steer me. To allow what is calling me from within have the space to show up and then dictate how I move out in the world. From the projects I commit to, to the classes and workshops I sign up for, I have been continually orienting to what I am really curious and excited about.
I love to learn and in the past have crammed my time with programs, trainings, certifications, classes, workshops, all things that I was interested in, but also through the lens of doing it for work. Doing it to add to my credentials, to “legitimize” myself in some way. Doing it to gain more experience so that I could then be seen as “professional”, “knowledgeable”, “experienced,” etc.
This year has been about choosing me and orienting to what is calling to me. What the breadcrumbs of synchronicities are surfacing for me to follow, guiding me on the specific path designed just for me.
I am listening. And in the listening I am uncovering a newfound sparkle within me.
Following the sensations that are lighting me up and allowing them to lead the way. Activating access to an even deeper experience of DESIRE in my Body and Being.
This year in my exploration of Jewish Mysticism, Jewish Priestess Archetypes, voice work and dreamwork I’ve been uncovering new depths, layers and insights within my self and my purpose. The resonance in the ancestral reclamation and magick work I have been exploring is impacting me deeply, a full Body and Being alignment that I have been yearning for and craving for years.
I don’t really know where any of these threads are leading in a concrete way, but there is a recognition now of what is mine and what genuine desire feels like in my system, in a way I have never experienced before.
So, for those of you who don’t know what you want or desire, this is your reassurance that there is nothing wrong with you. You get to not know right now. Commit to creating spaces for your desire to emerge, invite in patience and trust.
For when it is revealed, there is nothing like being moved from that potent life force energy within…
