For the first time in years I had a whole day to myself in my house on Saturday. Sometimes I get an hour alone in my house, or I leave for a day or an afternoon away from my family, but I have not gotten multiple uninterrupted hours at a time ALONE in my house since the pandemic began.
I have been so excited for this day for a long time and all I had planned for my empty space.
Ritual time and creative space? Check.
Uninterrupted and unedited emotional processing time? Check.
Lots of screaming and raging? Check.
A space to sing as loud as I can? Check.
Getting to experience silence? Check.
Time to meditate and reconnect with my ancestors, guides and spirits? Check.
Space to write for my business? Check.
When the boys pulled out of the driveway at 10am, I was ready.
I checked in with my body. She had just begun bleeding, so she was utterly exhausted.
I surrendered.
She desired to lay down, so I listened and napped for an hour.
She wanted to move, so I got up and danced gently for a short time and then wandered slowly around the garden.
She was thirsty, so I made sipping water with lemon a priority.
She was achy, so I listened and worked with my MELT roller.
Afterwards, she wanted to rest again, so I climbed back into bed, laid in the silence of the house, gifted myself a womb massage and woke up 4.5 hours later.
That was what she desired and I let her have the whole thing.
When I woke up, I heated up a bowl of homemade soup I had made the day before and nourished myself in the silence.
The boys arrived back shortly thereafter.
Not the day I had imagined and fantasized about and yet it was everything I truly needed in that moment.
At an earlier point in my journey I would’ve felt guilty for not “doing” anything. Disappointed that I didn’t meet my “expectations” or get to check everything off the list. Frustrated or annoyed at myself for spending the whole day without “making the most out of the time,” without being creative, without working on my business or “working on myself” or without making some life changing psychological or emotional uncovering. 😂
However, this slowness and deep rest was the thing that was most needed. My body was clear.
I gave my body all that she desired with ease. With full permission and without judgment. Allowing SILENCE, SLOWNESS and STILLNESS.
It is my job to listen and honor and continue to create the space.
Another day she will need something else, and that gets to be okay.
This is your permission to honor what you need in this moment.
XO Sara
